


I saw it on TV

by Somefatguy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Red Dwarf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 18:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20457125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somefatguy/pseuds/Somefatguy
Summary: Dudley was always watching TV, so even if he wouldn't have been allowed to be in the room, Harry could have, even would have, seen things through the doorway





	I saw it on TV

"Dragons, Potter?" laughed the generic muggleborn Hufflepuff boy stood next to Cedric. "The winged, fire breathing T-Rexes that take a dozen people to control? No way would there be dragons. They made the tournament safe, remember? You just want Ced to waste time researching the wrong thing, you cheater."

T-Rex. T-Rex. T-Rex. T-Rex. Tee-Rex. Round and round it went in Harry's head as he sat in the common room idly listening to the chatter.

"Shut the window. It's cold outside."

"You can't hop on a broom and head for mars, once you get to high there's no kind of atmosphere."

"Ever since you started dating I'm all alone"

"I added three drops, more or less"

"I wish first years were aloud brooms, they won't let me fly."

"I can't wait for the holidays, I'm going far away from here."

Something clicked in his brain and he started singing softly.

"fun, fun fun, in the sun sun sun. I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh, mango juice."

A plan formed. A conversation was had. Preparations were made.

The Judges were, to call them confused would be insufficient, utterly clueless, when Harry started the first task by levitating two colossal bowls into the arena. The first gave off an appetizing aroma, of meat and spices, while the second appeared to be full of lager.

Do you know what happens when a dragon eats Two Tonnes of cow vindaloo? The Slytherin students sat behind the dragon do. Draco Malfoy's hair is still brown. It seems that due to it's magical nature, and the sheer volume, neither the smell, nor colour, ever comes out.

Do you know what happens before that, when a Dragon, that has just eaten 2 tonnes of cow vindaloo, washed it down with twenty gallons of lager? It burps. Right at the judges. With enough force to remove all clothes. While a number of boy were happy to discover that Madame Maxime has a girlish figure hidden under those robes, the sight of the British headmaster next to her, was the stuff of nightmares for everyone who saw. For everyone but Neville Longbottom, it also became their new boggart. What that said for Snapes teaching, that he would still be considered worse...

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that the episode that inspired this came out in '99


End file.
